Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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