I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
