it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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