My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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