First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
