I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
