cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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