apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
