we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found puke in my bra..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
