I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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