All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
