I can text with my tongue
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
