I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
