YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
