What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im six kinds of drunk right now
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
