he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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