my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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