She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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