I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
