dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
