oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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