there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
