Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
