my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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