he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
