I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
