Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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