We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
