Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
