dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
