I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
