no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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