i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
