I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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