i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
