I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You left your phone here
Wait...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
