Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
