i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
