so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
