I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
