I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
