Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
