You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
