hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
