How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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