Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
