I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
