IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
