i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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