Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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