I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
